I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
