So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
