hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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