btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
