I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
