I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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