Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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