Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
