I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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