I just pynch a tree in the face
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
