Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
