proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
