I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
