I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
