the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
