Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
