Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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