remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
