I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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