There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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