I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
In other news, I just burned my penis
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
