So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
