Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You dont lie about slip and slides
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize