Swine flu is the new snow day.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
