I wish I could teleport
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
