i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
