Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
