he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
