ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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