I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
