just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
