I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
