Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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