Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
