two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you didnt know i had herpes?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
