Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
