So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
