I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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