If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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