So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
