She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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