if you like me you must not know who I am
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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