dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
