You made me cry and you don't even care
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
