I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Randomize
