spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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