Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
