FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
