I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
