Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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