I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
