Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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